So...

I'm sick. In the head, if you want to be specific. But yesterday I learned something...

You can physically feel a mental breakdown about 2-3 hours before it's gonna happen? Awesome right?! Yes, well, surprise aside... it's not that cool. Luckily like most things... given enough warning you can prevent it. All I had to do was calm down... and go vent myself on something.

I'm not out the woods yet though. Everything that built up to cause my near-mental breakdown into partial insanity, is still in my life. I could bitch about it all, but what would that accomplish me? Nothing.

Except possibly appearing emo and attempting to garner pity and attention from you poor saps who are reading this. So...

One of my best friends got kicked out. I took him in, opened up my room... and he... decides to take advantage? The guy is eating me out of house and home, he's an ass, won't get a job because he won't try, and is gonna flunk this semester at Palomar. Why am I this dude's friend? Probably because I never had to look at him from this perspective... but fuck him. He's out.

Having to deal with him has added way too much stress to my plate, and simply put I can't handle it all. I'm trying to cram all the work for all my classes right now, because I want good grades. I work most weekdays I'm not at school, and the time between that goes to training.

I have to thank my gym and no-gi jiu-jitsu instructor... if it wasn't for grappling I probably would have lost it about a month ago I'm thinking. I love the sport though, and every week I visibly improve, which is enough for me to go back every time.

There isn't much of a life in there I guess, or else not a life worth bragging about. Chicks... I do well enough for myself. But... yeah. An area that will always be beyond my understanding.

Anyway later people, I'm gonna go shower at my neighbors house 'cause our water got shut off. Then I'm gonna go finish my work for tonight, then leave. Go blow off some steam before I go to class. The next post I promise will be about training, and not as introspective as this one.

Cost

Sacrifice. It’s a word that has a thousand implications for me, or perhaps a thousand consequences. I understand that if I ever truly want to succeed in MMA that I have to give up some aspects of my life. And until recently… I never had the motivation, or rather the determination/balls to actually give them up.

Honestly, it’s only one thing I truly need to throw away from my life… alcohol. But the more I think about it… the consequences of this one sacrifice, affect my entire life. The rest of this blog, isn’t an attempt to garner pity, or applause, but rather a place for me to fully understand what I’m giving up. So when ever I feel like I don’t have enough motivation to train… I’ll know what I gave up and go the extra mile so to speak.

The first thing I’ll lose would be friends. They wouldn’t stop associating with me because I stopped drinking, but rather we would see less of each other, and more then likely slowly drift apart. It’s sad, or rather depressing for me, since some of the best nights of my life has been with these guys.

The girl. The reason for this is two fold… one is from no longer drinking, while the other is time spent at the gym. Honestly, I don’t even have one to lose right now, but… yeah. This is always the hardest part to think about foregoing for a couple years…

My youth. College life is centered around partying, and while I could still go, it wouldn’t be the same if I couldn’t drink. Plus who wants to be around what you can’t have?

I'm a hopeless romantic....

"Together"

She stands tall, her pretty faith
tightly wound across her soul

He throws aways the photograph of his day
the sights lackluster, shown just in black and gray

Together they seem
like sun and moon
far removed seem there
everyday lives

She qoutes poetry
and spouses philosophy
her beauty, not just flesh
but otherworldly

At a simple glance
his life seems such a mess
but simple never shows
the truth of ones soul

She's as pretty as the snow storm
he's as shallow as the rain

She's the light of his world
she takes away the pain
everlifting happiness
her beauty all the same

He's the pillar which she rests
he's grounded so profoundly
his sporadic bouts of poetry
can make her stop breathing

Whoah, where did this come from?

"Snow"

She walks around
while the snow falls to the ground
no snowflake ever dares
to grace her pretty face

He runs away
from the world everyday
the pain makes him feel
like everythings ok

Sometimes at night
starlight shows true beauty
drenched in silver light, she makes
one wanna die, or maybe just try

Sunrise generally means hope
to him it means hell
anotha day to run away
from the things he can't hide

Mid day sun shines upon
grass and rollin hills
she strolls about
just an angel walkin around
no wings in sight, but I know to be true

Finally comes a time
when I think he has stop
legs and feet bloody
his soul worn thin
calming down, he walks around
this beautiful place he's in

She glides quietly
following the tracks in the snow
crimson splashed across the white
the pain and angst visible to her naked eye

He finally stops
exhausted to the point
he finally wants to die
he knows all the reasons why

She finally finds her quarry
and knows just what to do
kneeling down to stand with him
she takes both his hands
with a simple look in each eye
she kisses him goodbye

His eyes fully shed
his entire life
he looks into her eyes
and kisses her goodbye

and finally dies

Shadows Creep

Here is a recent poem of mine.


Wake me
Wake me
Shake me from this hollow sleep
shallow dreams, shadows creep
under eyelids, underneath
hallowed ground never found

Take me from this special place
neither here, nor there
shadows wept when I turned away
from the place I thought I'd lay
hallowed ground I wished I'd stay

shadows creep all around
every memory, every sound
for every light that shined
shadows not far behind

Woke me
did the moonlight howl
drenched in sweat, dark abound
the sun rises soon
hallowed ground I'm not around

but shadows do creep about